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Rant Thou art dead pt.1

If you've ever wondered what its like to be retarded, considered retarded and treated like you are retarded, then I can to the best that I can describe my experience. What I am about to impart is an experience that has occurred within reality, if an incel has never gotten a woman, if a rapist has committed, if a poor man poverty. I will tell you the poverty of the mind and what its like to see life from a series of contradiction, borderline insanity and hikki moratas along the way.



I was diagnosed with ADHD as a kid and was for a time medicated, reason for it is I could never keep seated, I was also a talker, and I mean a talker. I loved to talk as a youth, but no one would really talk to me and many thought of me as annoying. I was born to a piece of shit mom and dad. Long story short, my dad was a teenager when he had me and my mother was older than him, she was a compulsive liar and what I can remember from my youth was a scene in which I’m in a car and I locked the doors and as my mother comes back and tries to open the door, she starts yelling at me and as I’m rushing to open it I just blacked out.

Now where the main story takes place is in a time when my dad got remarried and my life would be more materially stable, but emotionally and socially traumatizing. School for me was hell, I hated how I was treated and worse, I was always getting into trouble for stupid things, but the one that got me most as a youth was talking, I liked to talk to others, but always told to stop talking or even being moved away from other students But I always sat alone, or really felt alone, I would just sit there and think of random things, maybe about my favorite shows or thinking about imaginary things; always was I last, treated terribly or looked down upon.

In middle school I was bullied, and I remember everyday I would hate being there because I either got in trouble for stupid things or I would be treated rudely by other students. I never felt connected with the other students, nor did I feel connected with the teachers. I was never good at academics, again, I would just sit there or make up answers or try to get it done quickly, but I never cared, I never thought anything of it, TV in my youth was everything and being grounded was hell, because I would just sit or imagine like a child.

The weirdest thing I’ve come up with as a youth to get by was that I imagined. I would imagine myself a main character of my favorite shows, but if you saw me and what I was doing, I would imagine, shacking my hands or acting in manners liken to a play, but to me it seemed normal, because I didn’t have to think about reality or what was really going on.

I feel aloof, out of it, my mind is always talking I.e., I constant have negative and or egoic self-talk, I could be doing something such as playing a game and I could have a flash back of the past or think thoughts that I don’t want to remember. It’s aloofness, pleasure seeking and worse isolation. Before I met many of you in my youth, I had the ps3 and while I talked with people on there, my problems followed me everywhere no matter where I met, the lying and or the stupid petty attitudes. Overall, One thing I noticed was that till this day, I shut down during stressful situations, I’m isolated, for example at my work I go to the bathroom and I listen to music and imagine.
 

ThirdyAughtSix

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Janny
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Fuckers in school telling me, always in the barber shop
"Chief Keef ain't 'bout this, Chief ain't 'bout that"
My boy a BD on fucking Lamron and them
He, he, they say that nigga don't be putting in no work
Shut the fuck up, y'all niggas ain't know shit
All y'all motherfuckers talkin' about
"Chief Keef ain't no hitter, Chief Keef ain't this, Chief Keef a fake"
Shut the fuck up, y'all don't live with that nigga
Y'all know that nigga got caught with a ratchet
Shootin' at the police and shit
Nigga been on probation since fuckin' I don't know when
Motherfucker, stop fuckin' playin' him like that
Them niggas savages out there
If I catch another motherfucker talking sweet about Chief Keef
I'm fucking beatin' they ass, I'm not fucking playin' no more
Know them niggas roll with Lil Reese and them
 
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